Shame The psychology of invisibility Psychotherapy and shamelessness

 

Shame The psychology of invisibility

Psychotherapy and shamelessness

shame - an embarrassment

Shame is many people's secret torment and obstacle to a genuine social life. Few things are so difficult to talk about.

In psychotherapy, you can get help to face those who, in single-eyed condemnation, forced you to call yourself Nobody.

When we are ashamed, we are usually ashamed because we are ashamed. We don't want anyone to see our shame and at the same time deeply long to be seen. Shame is a knot we cannot untie without the help of a fellow human being. We need someone to pick us up and encourage us.

A paradoxical experience regarding shame recurs in most psychotherapies: what is so difficult to talk about is so easy for the therapist to listen to. And gives such relief to yourself.

Shame requires common humanity to dissolve. A touch of generosity and humor and the perspective shifts.

Suddenly you understand that the shame protected something very valuable and fragile and not just as previously thought - something lousy and half-baked.

shame not to be loved

The deepest shame is the experience of not having been loved for who you are, combined with being forced not to pretend it is or even to claim the opposite - a fundamental lie of life.

If in this way you are forced to hide and falsify your innermost and most basic reality, your own respect for truth suffers.

I suppose that the so-called dandelion children are children who were able to preserve their respect for the inner truth and were lucky enough to be able to connect with a relative or neighbor or just had the ability to keep the hope of one day finding someone.

Shame hides a basic longing to relate and belong - while protecting and preserving this longing. In this way, the shame forms a moat in a fortification.

Why people would do something that would then have shames over it ear carelessness.

shame not to be able to

Well done - then mum and dad will be happy!

An abyss opens up in many families if you are not good.

The humility in the face of the fact that you are your own person with your own conditions can then thin out or disappear and you risk being forced into a performance anxiety where you lose your joy, creativity and contact with your innermost being. You can then become a good, empty shell.

In psychotherapy, the feelings of shame can be a guide to what you have lost.

unwanted identity

During adulthood, we discover who we are and what really engages us. Sometimes these discoveries go against our own wishes and the expectations and investments of those around us. We imagine that no one, not even ourselves, will be able to accept us, let alone love us. We are ashamed.

the shame of transparency

We all lose ourselves sometimes - we reveal characteristics, feelings and intentions that are not part of the image of us we wish those around us to have. Sometimes this can be experienced as a disaster. We blush and this further reveals our shame. Mocking the person who blushes is extremely cruel and can darken many years for the victim.

shaming strategies

The best and hardest way to deal with your own shame is to put it into words and talk to someone wise. It feels like baring your throat and is perceived as taking a big risk. The risk of being rejected and returned to the domain of shame.

For many, it is overwhelming to dare to speak openly about their shame, and people find different ways to try to live without dealing with it.

life limitation

The tragic way to deal with one's shame is to let it take over completely and renounce the parts of the personality it applies to. Refrain from loving, having interests and being creative.

secrecy

Shame causes some to seal parts of their lives with secrecy. What is allowed to happen, happens secretly and/or drunk.

Why people would do something that would then have shames over it ear carelessness

shamelessness

For some of us, shame is too painful and difficult to master. We can then be tempted to shamelessness, which worsens the problem in the long run. Shamelessness is a strategy that involves winning either admiration or instilling fear and discomfort.

Shamelessness is often ideologised, which makes it considerably more difficult for those around you to talk to you. It then parades itself as "liberation", "openness" or "radicalism". The shame is changed to a foolishness or insolence (not to be confused with pride) that others have to endure and submit to.

How to Build Shame Resilience.

Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. Although very painful, the capacity for shame is healthy and part of being human. The function of shame is to prevent us from damaging our relationships and motivate us to repair them if we’ve damaged them.  

Where guilt says “I’ve done something wrong,” shame says “I am something wrong.”  

Some people grow up mostly feeling like they are fitting in and other people grow up with life circumstances that make them feel like an outsider. Some situations that may have made you feel chronically marginalized include:  

Having a chronic mental health condition, like anxiety, OCD, a mood disorder, or ADHD 

Having a chronic medical condition  

Having a learning or other form of disability  

Experiencing something traumatic that other people around you didn’t experience 

Being of a different race 

Being of a different religion 

Speaking a different language  

Having a different sexual or gender identity  

Having a different financial situation than those around you 

If you resonate with any of these situations, you might have a chronic sense of shame or a feeling of shame that pops up frequently. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your mind just perceived a difference between yourself and those around you and gave you a feeling.  

Shame is “just” a feeling, but it can become very big and very painful. If it feels very big, it doesn’t mean there is something even worse about you, but rather that there are layers to it. We can make it smaller and more manageable by talking about it and listening to it. When you understand it and the feeling is smaller, it will be easier for you to work with it.  

One way to listen to shame is to pay attention to the feelings it gives you in your body. Some people feel flushed, as their sympathetic nervous system (also known as the fight-or-flight response) is activated. Their eyes get hot and cheeks get red. They start to sweat or have stomach distress. Other people primarily notice the urgency to get away from whatever makes them feel ashamed or the slumped posture and the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.  

Shame gives us the urge to hide and withdraw. The way through shame is for you to remind yourself of your humanity and share your shame in settings where that sharing reconnects you to others. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself to think about your experience of shame:

When you are feeling shame, how do you know it’s shame?  

What external and internal experiences trigger shame?  

What happens physiologically in your body when you feel shame?  

What happens cognitively in your mind when you feel shame? 

How do these feelings and thoughts compare to other internal experiences like anxiety, anger, loneliness, excitement, or arousal?  

How do you respond to these shifts in your body and mind?  

What storylines in your shame narrative seem true to you?  

Which storylines in your shame narrative don’t seem true to you?    

As you reflect on your experiences of shame, it may be helpful to you to share with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Support groups, such as ADAA’s anonymous peer to peer communities, can also be a great place to share. samuel a free support group for those that experience anxiety disorders, OCD, and mood disorders and you can find out more at https://psykologi-analyses.blogspot.com/

samuel  2024.09.23