When
people say "I know how you feel"
When
you say "I know how you feel" to someone who is suffering, you can
invalidate their feelings. After all, you can never truly understand what
another person is going through.
When
someone says "I know how you feel," it may seem like a nice,
empathetic gesture. But from a psychological point of view, it's not always the
best choice. The truth is, you don't fully understand what another person is
going through. As a result, it's always better to listen and make sure the
person knows that you're there for them.
One
of the reasons this response is problematic is that you often don't even know
or understand what you're feeling yourself. So when someone casually claims to
understand exactly what you're going through, it's not exactly appropriate.
Most people aren't therapists or psychology experts.
You
probably experience this with the people closest to you. Parents use this
phrase all the time when talking to their children. Saying “I know how you
feel” to a child often acts as a barrier to them being able to tell you exactly
what they are going through in their own words.
You
should never forget that each person is unique and lives in their own universe.
A person’s universe can be chaotic, with planets flying in all directions and
little black holes that no one else sees.
“Be
who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and
those who matter don’t mind.”
-Bernard
Baruch-
When
people say “I know how you feel,” they often don’t mean it
Most
of us fall into the habit of assuming things instead of actually asking. We do
it because it takes less effort and helps us save time. It’s much easier to
assume that you know something based on the information you already have.
For
example, let’s say a coworker says she had a bad day with her partner. You
probably feel compelled to say, “I know how you feel.” It makes you feel like
you’re empathetic and connecting with your coworker. But you’re not. We tend to
forget that another person’s emotional framework is not the same as ours.
Furthermore,
in these situations, this phrase isn’t very empathetic. Instead of
acknowledging the other person’s feelings and validating them, you’re just
validating your own. It’s not very helpful.
We’re
naturally wired to connect with others, but we don’t always know how
During
research for a study at the University of Virginia, Drs. Lane Beckes and James
A. Coan discovered something very interesting. The human brain has a series of
neural patterns that are exclusively designed to create connections with
others. We often have such strong bonds with others that we can actually feel
their suffering.
That
said, it doesn’t mean we always fully understand the other person’s reality. A
mother can suffer for her child without knowing what’s happening to them. A
friend can feel your pain without understanding exactly what you’re going
through. That’s why it’s so important to know how to connect in an appropriate
and respectful way.
What’s the best way to connect with someone who’s struggling?
Whether
it’s a child, a teenager, your best friend, or a stranger, try to avoid using
“I know how you feel.” You really shouldn’t assume that two people going
through the same situation will necessarily experience the same feelings.
Here’s
an example: Doctors Klaus R. Scherer and Agnes Moors from the University of
Geneva conducted an interesting experiment. They asked 3,000 adults the same
question: how would you feel if you heard two friends talking bad about you?
Surprisingly,
the researchers identified 14 different types of emotional responses to this.
Some people said they would be angry, others would find it embarrassing. Some
felt guilty, while others said they would feel lonely. Some even said they were
indifferent because people who talk about you behind your back would no longer
be friends.
How to respond?
Given
the wide emotional range of responses to this simple scenario, “I know how you
feel” sounds less and less appropriate. But what other types of responses are
there?
The
most important thing is to know how to really listen. Then remember that
certain phrases and words can put up walls in the other person.
Avoid
saying things like, “It was nothing,” “I’ve been there, you’re overreacting,”
“This always happens to you,” “You need to focus on something else,” etc.
Instead
of saying, “I know how you feel,” say, “Tell me how you feel.”
It’s
not always easy to express what you’re feeling—emotions are complex and
chaotic. Accepting and translating them takes time. So what someone really
needs when they’re dealing with all these emotions is support and reassurance.
Sometimes
a simple “I’m here for you” can be the best response. At the end of the day,
the goal is to be present and available. You want to create a sense of safety
and intimacy where nothing is assumed and no one is judging anyone else or
their feelings.
One
day, a girl was very lonely. She wrote a letter to a few friends.
They
did not reply.
She
was very upset. Bad feelings had affected her mind until she went out to get
some air. She saw an old lady walking her dog on the street.
She
approached the lady and said, "Hello."
The
old lady answered and greeted her.
This
old lady was Anna Freud, the daughter of Sigmund Freud, in central London.
The
young girl said to Anna, "Mrs. Anna, today is my birthday.
I texted my
friends. No one came."
Anna
laughed and said, "How are you feeling?"
The
young girl looked at Anna and said, "It's too bad. Today is my worst
day."
Anna said, "Were you born with the crowd?"
The young girl said, "I wasn't born alone. What do you mean by
that?"
Anna
said, "Be strong and try to stand on your own two feet. Trust yourself. It
was so cool that you bought a cake since you celebrated your birthday
alone."
As
Anna Freud was talking to the young girl, a police siren sounded. Many police
arrived at the scene.
They
saw that a birthday party was taking place in one of the houses. When they
asked the neighbors, they saw that there had been a fight and several people
had been injured.
The
young girl was happy and said to herself, "If I had invited my friends,
they would have come.
Maybe they
would have gotten hurt and been led down a bad path. So be strong, trust
yourself, and improve your studies in behavioral and human sciences so that you
don't have any deficiencies in behavioral science and knowledge
If
a person identifies his personal values and knows his style well, he will
never be disappointed if a friend does not respond to his message.
No
matter how much you are strengthened in terms of science, knowledge and
humanistic values, and have studies, you will never fall into such a thought as
why such and such a friend did not respond to me.
You
should study this lack of response and conduct a realistic and detailed
analysis. Never be disappointed by a friend who does not respond to your
message. Instead of worrying and being disappointed, examine its aspects
carefully, scientifically and scientifically.
And
finally, you will reach the desired result. What is the reason for people not
responding? It also depends on their work and career situation, and some also
depend on the experience of events in an individual's life.
What does it mean when someone says "I know how you feel"?
I
understand
It
means the same as “I have the same sentiments.” To say “I know how you feel” is
to indicate the person is equally yoked to the degree of feeling just as
strongly. It means I understand well what the person is trying to say.
This
type of approach is completely wrong, and I know how you feel. If a person is
not a specialist and does not have a specialization in psychology and behavior,
they cannot say such things, and they will be at the expense of the person
whose support their friend is supposed to have gone to, and the best thing to
do in this regard is to say that I came here to support you.
Related
questions
How
do you react when someone tries to tell you your own emotions, but it's clear
that they are wrong, and are projecting their emotions onto you? For example,
they insist that you’re afraid when you’re not.
Whats
it like having someone tell you how to feel?
What
do you call a person who thinks he/she is always right, and any other opinion
is wrong? How do you deal with such a person?
How
can I feel better when someone tells me I'm wrong?
What
are good ways to deal with people who are always trying to tell you what to do?
Firstly,
if someone is repeatedly insisting on telling you what you think they are
playing you.
This
means that telling them “I know what I think and feel I would appreciate it if
you didn’t tell me otherwise” will just egg them on - even if this is delivered
calmly they will smell blood by those words and that with a little tinkering
they can get the rise they want. Honestly people like this are undeterred by
reality.
Instead
ask them to repeat what they just said, then exit. You may think onlookers will
buy this person’s shit (who is also full of more tricks) but scrutiny suddenly
falls on them for once. It helps also to learn detachment from people like
this, setting boundaries so it is an exception to the rule that you meet
someone like this and so that you can exit.
Detachment
means you only care deep down about how you responded, while that other
person’s smart alek responses, lies and tricks don’t change a thing.
Using
these words like I know you have emotions is wrong and wrong.
It is a big mistake without behavioral
expertise.
Because
most of the time parents tell their child these phrases, and this makes the
child not express his or her emotions and stay in silence because it comes to
him that his parents are aware of his emotions, and when you ask children and
adults. Always tell what you have, then say I came here to support you.
Even
such a collision makes it become a long -term habit for the person when they go
to the doctor. They think the doctor knows everything and what they have to say
to the doctor cannot speak.
If
you are not an expert and do not have expertise in psychology in this regard,
do not say, "I know how you feel," because in reality you are only
expressing yourself. In reality, you never know how others feel.
samuel
samuel.ku35@gmail.com
0046735501680
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