How to handle arguments that end badly.
Some quarrels end in shouting and unkind words. What can you do to heal the wounds of these verbal clashes? How can you restore a relationship after an argument? Here are some guidelines.
Most of us have experienced arguments that end badly. Those that distance us from certain people. Opposing perceptions, misunderstandings, feelings taken to the extreme and words that perhaps should never have been said. Arguments cause many situations to appear which cannot be controlled at the time and which we usually regret later.
What can be done in situations like this? Is there a strategy for healing the wounds after one of these unfortunate occasions? It is often said that everything can be repaired with willpower and good intentions. But in practice, this idea from popular wisdom does not always work. A difficult argument has consequences... Words that are not forgotten and feelings that are difficult to digest.
Sometimes you may want to approach the other party after a heated argument but don't know how to start, what to do and what to say. Before you know it, days have passed and you find that you have lost your friendship or relationship with that colleague or family member forever. So let's find out what strategies you can use in these situations.
Arguments that end badly, what can be done?
Throughout your life, you've learned to read, solve quadratic equations, hold conversations in other languages, and even identify whether certain architecture is Gothic or Romanesque. But you never learned the art of arguing. That's why you often end up screaming like a three-year-old in the middle of an argument.
The writer André Gidé used to say that discussions only reinforce misunderstandings. This is not true. In fact, an argument is more of a communicative process where the interlocutors have opposing views. If you knew how to control your emotions, express yourself firmly and be more skilled when it comes to solving your problems, your arguments would not end badly.
In fact, it is not a problem to argue. In fact, it is always positive to exchange different points of view and enrich oneself with the opinions of others. It only gets complicated when you feel challenged by different points of view. This is when you lose control and your emotions dominate you more than reason.
What can you do under these circumstances? How to react to arguments that end badly?
Time to meditate: to save or not to save the relationship
If an argument has ended badly, it's best to give yourself some time. You don't need much. In fact, 24 hours is enough time for you to think. Your instincts may make you want to repair the relationship as soon as possible. But you shouldn't be in too much of a hurry. Consider the following:
Own and third party liability. Are you responsible for the quarrel ending badly? What did you handle well and what did you handle poorly? Are you both guilty? You must be able to reflect on your own mistakes and your own responsibility as much or more than others. Only by doing this will you develop self-awareness.
Have you had more than one bad argument with a specific person? Some people constantly use aggressive communication. They tend not to listen and argue just for the sake of it or to prove themselves right. If so, think about whether you really want to restore the relationship.
After reflecting on these two points, you can make the decision to either reconnect with the person or move on.
Say sorry and listen
In recent years, studies on conflict resolution have shown the need for certain communication techniques and strategies to reach agreements. A study conducted by the University of Tel Aviv in Israel highlights the role of emotional regulation. It shows that this should be the first step towards rapprochement. When you resolve an argument, it is therefore important that you master your emotions.
Say you're sorry. Do it in a calm and balanced way. Do not show anger, resentment or discomfort.
Communicate the fact that you want to make amends and that you are going to start listening to each other.
Focus on the here and now
An argument that ends badly needs to be resolved. But the last thing you need is to go through it again. If you want to restore your relationship, you must avoid blaming the other party for what they said or did. Going through the argument will only rekindle the same negative feelings. Don't do it.
Instead, you need to focus on the present. Give yourself new opportunities, forgive and explain that many of the words that were said were the product of your feelings, not of the desire to cause any harm.
Some arguments end badly and this can be remedied by learning to communicate better
When you go through a heated argument, one that ends badly after several exchanges of accusations, yelling and ultimatums, two things usually happen. The first thing is that you get angry for a few hours. The second is that you try to repair the situation. You can do this by reflecting on the strategies that can help you save your relationship and come to terms.
Here are some basic guidelines to help you improve and turn your arguments into an art form:
Listen to the other person with interest.
Show empathy.
Repeat some of the person's phrases to show them you are listening.
Highlight the points where you differ. However, also remember the aspects on which you agree with each other. This is always a good starting point.
Make independent proposals. Also listen to the other party's suggestions.
Build bridges. Focus on solving the problem, not on being right.
Control your emotions, such as anger.
Accept the fact that sometimes an agreement cannot be reached. But this does not have to mean the end of the relationship. You can simply agree to disagree with each other.
Finally, few subjects are as important to coexistence as knowing how to communicate, understanding how to solve problems, and mastering the communicative competence of argumentation. Knowing how to do that can be incredibly enriching.
So arguments can strengthen the relationship
Keep arguing about money and cleaning. But do it the right way. Then the relationship can be deepened.
Arguing is necessary for a healthy relationship. But it is important to do it in the right way. Photo: istock
Arguing with your lover rarely feels good. But in fact, a painful war of words can deepen your relationship.
Argue constructively
Most of the time, it's ordinary everyday issues that get into a fight. Money, time and housework are charged topics that are easily heated.
But if more people would learn to argue constructively, many relationships could improve.
- Arguing is necessary for a healthy relationship. If you experience injustice, you must react emotionally. But there are more or less constructive or destructive arguments, says ethnologist and journalist Malin Haawind.
Whose "truth" applies?
We expect our partner to have the same attitude towards important issues as ourselves. When opinions diverge, the argument becomes a tug-of-war over whose values "apply".
- We rarely discuss values per se. They show up in everyday situations instead, says Malin Haawind.
Different values
Because when we argue with each other at Ica about whether that expensive juice should go in the shopping cart or not, it's not about the juice itself. In fact, it can be about your background, says Malin Haawind. In this case, your "truth" is based on whether you had a rough or good time growing up.
Someone else can take the "shit"
In a conflict, one likes to place the blame on the other. The argument is often based on unspoken needs.
But instead of honestly and clearly putting into words what you think, feel and want, you engage in mind reading: "If he doesn't understand that I need to go out tonight, he must be stupid in the head ..?". The anger builds up inside - out of sight of the partner.
The partner is in the firing line
But sometimes it is you yourself who does not meet your own needs and expectations of yourself. In the morning you decide to do the weekly shopping, book a train ticket, call your mother, exercise and invite the neighbors to dinner. When you only have half the time, the dissatisfaction smolders against yourself but you instead direct the frustration outwards. The partner is often in the line of fire for the planers – and the argument is on.
This way you avoid irritation
But it is possible to avoid irritation and arguments. Do this instead, advises Malin Haawindt:
• Think about what you need and want.
• Put your needs into words. Both for yourself and your partner. If, for example, you need more personal time, tell your partner why. That you may need to sort out your thoughts and catch up with yourself.
• Say it like it is. Mind reading doesn't work.
Arguing can relieve the pressure
Admittedly, never arguing can look like the perfect relationship. But sometimes a regular argument can relieve the pressure and help the relationship to return to equilibrium. Going instead and sulking in silence can in the long run put the relationship in a serious imbalance.
Difficult with conflicts.
For a person afraid of conflict, however, it can feel difficult to throw yourself into an argument. Instead, the person may become overly submissive. She certainly avoids conflicts, but in order to feel good, it is actually necessary to argue sometimes.
Set boundaries
Because it is important to stand up for yourself and mark a boundary: "You don't say that to me".
A healthy relationship is always based on mutual respect.
samuel Qu
samuelkubkub@gmail.com
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